Holy Shih-tzu!!! Day 99!!!!!!!
I’m having a hard time processing not doing this after tomorrow. I’m excited to use all I’ve learned, but mostly I’m excited to get my lunch hour back. Oh, and no stress about posting and writing is gonna be nice, too.
OK, so it’s now or never for today’s topic. And the thing is, I had tried this earlier. But I gave up because the lines on their site were so strong. They didn’t need help.
…Which was me chickening out because I didn’t think I could beat it.
That was then…
Pair Of Thieves is an underwear brand my friend told me about.
Let that sink in for a minute.
Guys don’t talk about underwear. But Dave texted me about this. Yes, it was in a funny-yet-vulgar way, but still, he went out of his way to tell me how great his underwear felt.
And by “underwear” I mean his junk.
So of course I was gonna try a pair. And he was right. They’re awesome. Now I’m a fan. Looking at their site, the copy is as good as the product. It’s playful. It’s clever. And it makes my butt happy.
Let’s see if I can match ‘em.
Here are 101 headlines about Pair Of Thieves underwear:
| 1 | Buy the first pair for looks. Buy the next for transcendental butt comfort. |
| 2 | Your two best friends will thank you for it. |
| 3 | When we say “this makes your nads cool” we’re referring to the breathable lining |
| 4 | Designed to carry your cargo with care |
| 5 | Sorry. We don’t believe in wedgies. |
| 6 | Great days begin with good underwear |
| 7 | Your boys gotta breathe |
| 8 | Form fit style take your look from tighty whities to yummy bummies |
| 9 | Wonderful things happen when you’re wearing perfect underwear |
| 10 | Make your junk feel lucky |
| 11 | “Chafing” and “underwear” are two words that should never go together. |
| 12 | Awarding men’s junk the comfort it deserves |
| 13 | Slightly more comfortable than being naked |
| 14 | If you’ve got a favorite pair of underwear that’s not ours, you’re wrong. |
| 15 | The most supportive item in your life since your mother |
| 16 | The only way these could get better, is if we added pockets. But then you wouldn’t wear pants. |
| 17 | We typically avoid this adjective when talking about underwear, but these styles look sharp |
| 18 | Run, sit, jump, work, twerk & gyrate with reckless comfort |
| 19 | Butt wait! There’s more. |
| 20 | The underwear that leaves an impression on your butt (the good kind) |
| 21 | Did you hear that? Your butt just said “thank you” |
| 22 | Make underwear great again |
| 23 | Your undercarriage hasn’t been pampered this much since you were in diapers |
| 24 | Upgrade your package to a special delivery |
| 25 | Even though they’re antimicrobial, turning them inside out so you can wear them 2 days in a row is not recommended. (But we’ve all done it) |
| 26 | Your junk wants you to buy this |
| 27 | You’re going to start looking forward to laundry day. |
| 28 | Put your You’ll go nuts over our 4-way stretch fabric |
| 29 | Handle your package with care |
| 30 | The perfect basket for your twig, bum & berries |
| 31 | If you define comfort as dipping your nethers in a cool, breezy, silky-soft bath of corn starch, then yes, our underwear is very comfortable. |
| 32 | We changed tighty whities to wonderful under-fulls |
| 33 | Put a shine on your family jewels |
| 34 | The underwear that loves your undercarriage |
| 35 | Put your seat in the lap of luxury |
| 36 | You know how guys with good abs find reasons to take off their shirt? You may start doing it with your pants. |
| 37 | The lazy man’s way to a style upgrade |
| 38 | The “Dammit. Now I need a pair for every day” underwear |
| 39 | These boxers can beat Mike Tyson |
| 40 | A special delivery for your package |
| 41 | A twig and 2 berries just gave us 5-stars |
| 42 | You’ve been wearing the wrong underwear your whole life |
| 43 | Your junk deserves a vacation |
| 44 | Your package said it gave us 7 stars. But it felt more like 5. |
| 45 | It’s about time someone got underwear right |
| 46 | Get your butt in here |
| 47 | Boxer Brief perfection |
| 48 | So soft, they make your butt cry happy tears |
| 49 | If they had pockets, you wouldn’t wear pants. |
| 50 | Your best chance at making your boys happy |
| 51 | Make your outfit better from the inside |
| 52 | You’ve been underwearing wrong. But we fixed it for you |
| 53 | This one’s for your boys |
| 54 | Creature comforts—in your pants |
| 55 | It’s OK to love our underwear. It loves you too. |
| 56 | The underwear you’ll forget you’re wearing. (Please double-check before you leave the house) |
| 57 | When dudes started talking other dudes about our underwear, we knew we got it right |
| 58 | For a man who can’t stand moose knuckles |
| 59 | We’re on a mission to obliterate swamp-ass from the face of the earth. It’s going well. |
| 60 | Your package deserves a special delivery |
| 61 | The best thing to happen to your junk since puberty |
| 62 | The most fun your dangly bits can have while still wearing underwear |
| 63 | Your butt deserves to be happy |
| 64 | So soft, they make you wish you had more dangly bits to support |
| 65 | Your under-parts are about to meet their new best friend |
| 66 | Warning! You may start doing more laundry just to wear your favorite pair again |
| 67 | Underwear for all the days you bring your junk with you |
| 68 | Form fitting underwear that moves with you—not up your butt |
| 69 | Hey! You with the bad underwear! Get in here… |
| 70 | The underwear your friends have been talking about |
| 71 | Like a Tiffany’s bag for your family jewels |
| 72 | We’re not saying this is the best underwear in the world. Our customers are. |
| 73 | Stop your giblets from sticking to your leg |
| 74 | And just like that, your underwear is the best part of your day |
| 75 | We don’t cut corners. Because any kind of “cut” or “corner” on your underwear is scary. |
| 76 | Discover the comfort of 4-way stretch fabric. On your butt. |
| 77 | We just got a call from your butt. It wants you to buy a 3-pack |
| 78 | We’re anti-junk squishing |
| 79 | Plan your outfits from your underwear out |
| 80 | The holy field of boxers |
| 81 | Feels like being naked, only a lot more socially acceptable |
| 82 | Soft butt but supportive fabric |
| 83 | Your cashmere sweater just felt our underwear and said “daaaaaamn.” |
| 84 | “Breathable underwear” shouldn’t refer to 14-year old boxers with a fly that won’t stay closed |
| 85 | The Sistine chapel of under garments |
| 86 | It’s OK if your butt falls in love with our underwear. It loves back. |
| 87 | Even ugly bums deserve to feel good |
| 88 | Go forth in good skivvies |
| 89 | Designed with a pouch that puts yours on a pedestal |
| 90 | Form-fitting, but not tight. Because constriction is the last thing you want on your nethers. |
| 91 | Comfortable, stretchy, and never boring |
| 92 | You’re not still wearing cotton underwear, are you? |
| 93 | Underwear so soft, they’ll be comparing baby’s bottoms to your butt |
| 94 | Yes, it’s weird that you talk to your friends about us so much. But it happens a lot. |
| 95 | We spent a lot of time thinking about your package. The least you could do is try it. |
| 96 | Breathable underwear feels even more wonderful than it sounds |
| 97 | We don’t like to associate “junk” with our underwear. But you’ll like to put yours in it. |
| 98 | Your balls want you to buy us |
| 99 | Good underwear fixes bad pants |
| 100 | Stop wearing lousy underwear |
| 101 | Ugly bums need love too |
Overall: I’m just so happy! Maybe it’s the endorphins kicking in (post #99!!!)—but I feel great about this list. I’m glad I waited to do it. Mission accomplished.
Lessons: There’s a fine line between being cute and clear. I could’ve made 100 jokes about balls and called it a day—but I wanted to focus on the quality of the underwear, while still being playful. It was a fun challenge.
- I scanned reviews of different brands with a variety of voices, then interpreted themes for the list.
- It felt weird googling “funny ways to say testicles” but I did it for you.
- I’m worried about retargeting I may get from this one. * shudder *
- Did I mention it’s day 99?!
Time: 2 sessions, 1:45. I spent extra time getting this one right.
Sign up for my upcoming epic blog post about this roller coaster! Look, Ma! No pants!
Get The Best Of The Last 1,000 Lines
Skip straight to the good stuff & learn the lessons I’ve learned from writing the last 10 posts. Save yourself from all the practice hours. And caffeine.
You have Successfully Subscribed!
Recent Comments