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Do you ever watch Silicon Valley? This one’s about Hooli.

For those who don’t know, Hooli is TV version of Google. But more big-bad-giant-y. Their leader, Gavin Belson, is a jackass. He’s pompous, unaware, and one of my favorite characters on television.

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The writers poke a lot of fun at all the techno-jargon used in the industry—and from what I’ve seen during this project, rightfully so. I thought it might be a kick to play that game for a day. Then I’ll jump into my final 10.

Now, the beauty of Gavin is his self-importance. Hooli’s own tagline, Making the World A Better Place is just one of the glorious phrases he utters. Other favorites being:

  • In order to achieve greatness, we must first achieve goodness
  • In case you didn’t know, here at Hooli, we make the impossible possible.
  • Anyone who tells you their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers.

Here are 102 more to fit right in line.

(Yes, this is meant to be ridiculous.)

1Everything you read on the internet is now true—because of us
2We made the internet–and we made you
3You will never find fault at Hooli*
4Our young visionaries are fueled with passion & exquisite gourmet meals prepared by celebrity chefs
5You only become the most respected brand in the world when you have the smartest people on your team
6Your future depends on us
7We are leading beyond the best leaders of all-time
8Everything you love about the internet is Hooli
9We think so far outside the box, there is no box
10You can only achieve your dreams because of us
11The only technology better than Hooli is nothing
12Inspiring the greatest thinkers of our time
13The only limitations we face is your bandwidth
14Your world is in our hands
15At the cornerstone of everything great in this world, lies Hooli
16Our internal spirit of freedom and trust was designed our beliefs for the entire world
17We are the foundation for all the good in your life
18Mobile, digital and social products that will change the world as we know it
19We dream of a bigger world than you can ever imagine
20Helping everyone in the world make the world better
21Redefining what it means to be a global technology company
22Responsible for all accurate information on the internet
23When you achieve all you’ve ever dreamed of, you’ll have Hooli to thank
24Making the world a better place better than anyone else
25Your future starts with Hooli
26The technology provider for the smartest minds on the planet
27Built on the shoulders of giants, who are now members of our team
28Working toward a better tomorrow, today
29Built by the smartest people on the planet
30Everything you love in life is powered through our technology
31Unparalleled creativity unmatched by any company on the planet
32Our magnificent leaders don’t get in the way of our emerging geniuses
33A company captained by pioneers of the technology industry
34Dreaming the impossible until it’s not
35Though we’ve created the greatest technology on the planet, we believe better is possible
36Simply the best technology and the best mobile products ever created
37One world under one visionary
38Out of all the websites all over the world, Hooli’s is the best
39We’re not just the prettiest face in Silicon Valley. We’re the prettiest face in the world.
40Bringing the world wide web to the world
41Thinking globally and acting globally
42Hooli is the building block for a better you
43There’s more information on the internet than ever before—and we put it there
44We will spare no expense proving that everyone else is wrong and their ideas are crap
45The only limitations you’ll ever encounter using Hooli will be your fault
46We believe our technology will be the driving force to end racism all over the world
47We are the builders of your dreams
48We wanted the world to be better. So we started with ourselves.
49We can only get better from here
50We are committed to righting everything wrong in the world
51We take bad ideas and turn them into something great
52Hooli is the change you want to see in the world
53We make the internet better for you. You’re welcome.
54Yes, we are the best company in the world. But we’re so much more than that.
55We create the impossible, and make it not
56The only thing stopping us from achieving world harmony is the limitations we put upon ourselves
57Our unparalleled achievements in technology are only one of the many reasons we’re the best company in the world
58We built the greatest technological platform in the history of mankind. Period
59We have the fastest platform in the world—all over the world
60Singlehandedly the best company on the face of the Earth
61Wild ideas so far outside the box, that you can’t even fathom their existence
62There may be people starving in 3rd world countries—but they will have internet—and it will be powered by Hooli
63Our thousands and thousands of accolades mean nothing to us if there is more to win
64Our magnificence is only one small part of what makes us great
65Technology that makes a difference
66The good products we build today will only be replaced by the better products we build tomorrow
67We believe a better tomorrow will be achieved with our technology
68A company with so many technological achievements, we’ve literally redefined the definition
69The excellency of your future is in our hands
70We do more than break down walls–we build them back up, stronger than ever
71Discover how incredible we can make your life
72Every product we build today is merely testing for a better tomorrow
73Your better future starts today
74At Hooli, our world of tomorrow starts at 12:00 AM
75Innovation without our technology simply isn’t possible
76Are you making all the technology mistakes of our competitors?
77Your internet is only possible because of us
78Eliminating human error from technology
79Our entire company saves the world every single day
80Saving the world from Data-geddon
81Where the greatest ideas of all time are birthed on a daily basis
82We are the good in the world
83Building a better tomorrow, today
84We don’t create technology.  We revolutionize it.
85We make the things that make the internet
86We turn the impossible into the very possible & accomplished
87Our internal spirit of freedom and trust expands beyond our company borders
88If better technology is created by another company, it doesn’t exist
89Connecting the world with itself, wherever available
90We don’t just make the world better—we make you better
91The only thing better than what we will build today, is the future we build tomorrow
92Inspiration begins with our technology
93No company on the face of planet Earth has the capabilities of building anything better than us
94Your life is built on Hooli
95If you love it, it’s Hooli
96We’re not just the most innovative thinkers in the world. We’re also the smartest.
97Interactive, digital, mobile, adaptable solutions–for you
98No dream is impossible with Hooli
99Everything great about the world is because of us
100We never stop making things better for you
101We created everything you love on the internet
102Only the best people, only the best technology, and only the best company on the planet

 

Overall: I’m not even going to judge this. It’s just for fun.

Lessons: Umm….

Time: 52 minutes over 2 sessions

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