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Do you ever watch Silicon Valley? This one’s about Hooli.

For those who don’t know, Hooli is TV version of Google. But more big-bad-giant-y. Their leader, Gavin Belson, is a jackass. He’s pompous, unaware, and one of my favorite characters on television.

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The writers poke a lot of fun at all the techno-jargon used in the industry—and from what I’ve seen during this project, rightfully so. I thought it might be a kick to play that game for a day. Then I’ll jump into my final 10.

Now, the beauty of Gavin is his self-importance. Hooli’s own tagline, Making the World A Better Place is just one of the glorious phrases he utters. Other favorites being:

  • In order to achieve greatness, we must first achieve goodness
  • In case you didn’t know, here at Hooli, we make the impossible possible.
  • Anyone who tells you their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers.

Here are 102 more to fit right in line.

(Yes, this is meant to be ridiculous.)

1 Everything you read on the internet is now true—because of us
2 We made the internet–and we made you
3 You will never find fault at Hooli*
4 Our young visionaries are fueled with passion & exquisite gourmet meals prepared by celebrity chefs
5 You only become the most respected brand in the world when you have the smartest people on your team
6 Your future depends on us
7 We are leading beyond the best leaders of all-time
8 Everything you love about the internet is Hooli
9 We think so far outside the box, there is no box
10 You can only achieve your dreams because of us
11 The only technology better than Hooli is nothing
12 Inspiring the greatest thinkers of our time
13 The only limitations we face is your bandwidth
14 Your world is in our hands
15 At the cornerstone of everything great in this world, lies Hooli
16 Our internal spirit of freedom and trust was designed our beliefs for the entire world
17 We are the foundation for all the good in your life
18 Mobile, digital and social products that will change the world as we know it
19 We dream of a bigger world than you can ever imagine
20 Helping everyone in the world make the world better
21 Redefining what it means to be a global technology company
22 Responsible for all accurate information on the internet
23 When you achieve all you’ve ever dreamed of, you’ll have Hooli to thank
24 Making the world a better place better than anyone else
25 Your future starts with Hooli
26 The technology provider for the smartest minds on the planet
27 Built on the shoulders of giants, who are now members of our team
28 Working toward a better tomorrow, today
29 Built by the smartest people on the planet
30 Everything you love in life is powered through our technology
31 Unparalleled creativity unmatched by any company on the planet
32 Our magnificent leaders don’t get in the way of our emerging geniuses
33 A company captained by pioneers of the technology industry
34 Dreaming the impossible until it’s not
35 Though we’ve created the greatest technology on the planet, we believe better is possible
36 Simply the best technology and the best mobile products ever created
37 One world under one visionary
38 Out of all the websites all over the world, Hooli’s is the best
39 We’re not just the prettiest face in Silicon Valley. We’re the prettiest face in the world.
40 Bringing the world wide web to the world
41 Thinking globally and acting globally
42 Hooli is the building block for a better you
43 There’s more information on the internet than ever before—and we put it there
44 We will spare no expense proving that everyone else is wrong and their ideas are crap
45 The only limitations you’ll ever encounter using Hooli will be your fault
46 We believe our technology will be the driving force to end racism all over the world
47 We are the builders of your dreams
48 We wanted the world to be better. So we started with ourselves.
49 We can only get better from here
50 We are committed to righting everything wrong in the world
51 We take bad ideas and turn them into something great
52 Hooli is the change you want to see in the world
53 We make the internet better for you. You’re welcome.
54 Yes, we are the best company in the world. But we’re so much more than that.
55 We create the impossible, and make it not
56 The only thing stopping us from achieving world harmony is the limitations we put upon ourselves
57 Our unparalleled achievements in technology are only one of the many reasons we’re the best company in the world
58 We built the greatest technological platform in the history of mankind. Period
59 We have the fastest platform in the world—all over the world
60 Singlehandedly the best company on the face of the Earth
61 Wild ideas so far outside the box, that you can’t even fathom their existence
62 There may be people starving in 3rd world countries—but they will have internet—and it will be powered by Hooli
63 Our thousands and thousands of accolades mean nothing to us if there is more to win
64 Our magnificence is only one small part of what makes us great
65 Technology that makes a difference
66 The good products we build today will only be replaced by the better products we build tomorrow
67 We believe a better tomorrow will be achieved with our technology
68 A company with so many technological achievements, we’ve literally redefined the definition
69 The excellency of your future is in our hands
70 We do more than break down walls–we build them back up, stronger than ever
71 Discover how incredible we can make your life
72 Every product we build today is merely testing for a better tomorrow
73 Your better future starts today
74 At Hooli, our world of tomorrow starts at 12:00 AM
75 Innovation without our technology simply isn’t possible
76 Are you making all the technology mistakes of our competitors?
77 Your internet is only possible because of us
78 Eliminating human error from technology
79 Our entire company saves the world every single day
80 Saving the world from Data-geddon
81 Where the greatest ideas of all time are birthed on a daily basis
82 We are the good in the world
83 Building a better tomorrow, today
84 We don’t create technology.  We revolutionize it.
85 We make the things that make the internet
86 We turn the impossible into the very possible & accomplished
87 Our internal spirit of freedom and trust expands beyond our company borders
88 If better technology is created by another company, it doesn’t exist
89 Connecting the world with itself, wherever available
90 We don’t just make the world better—we make you better
91 The only thing better than what we will build today, is the future we build tomorrow
92 Inspiration begins with our technology
93 No company on the face of planet Earth has the capabilities of building anything better than us
94 Your life is built on Hooli
95 If you love it, it’s Hooli
96 We’re not just the most innovative thinkers in the world. We’re also the smartest.
97 Interactive, digital, mobile, adaptable solutions–for you
98 No dream is impossible with Hooli
99 Everything great about the world is because of us
100 We never stop making things better for you
101 We created everything you love on the internet
102 Only the best people, only the best technology, and only the best company on the planet

 

Overall: I’m not even going to judge this. It’s just for fun.

Lessons: Umm….

Time: 52 minutes over 2 sessions

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