Where my Seinfeld fans at?

Good ol’ Amy Lipner tossed me the idea of writing headlines for muffin tops. You remember Elaine’s million dollar idea, don’t you? A bakery that sells only the best part of the muffin. Then her friend stole the concept and was railroaded by an exclamation mark. #GrammarProblems

It’s not “Top of the muffin TO YOU!”

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For those unfamiliar with the concept,

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I could meme about this for days, folks. But essentially, it’s all the muffin-y goodness without the stumps

1 more:

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Yadda yadda yadda, here are 100 lines about Muffin Tops (not the too-tight-jeans kind):


1 Pudding skins broke the rules. Muffin tops broke the game.
2 This is how better half eats
3 All the muffin you love, none of the stump you don’t
4 So much less of a muffin, yet so much more
5 Delicious muffins now available! (Bottoms not included)
6 Top of the muffin!!! (to you)
7 Get the muffin you deserve
8 What’s your best bet for cooking the perfect muffin? The answer may be at the top.
9 How to make a muffin twice as good, half as much
10 We love bottoms just as much as the next guy—just not on our muffins
11 Yes, they’re half of muffins. But they’re the good half.
12 This muffin just had his ass handed to him
13 You’ll never even miss the stump
14 Never settle for muffins with handles again
15 Zero stumps given
16 Make your stump problem go away
17 Introducing a sleeker, more aerodynamic muffin
18 Giving happy customers all they ever really wanted
19 Eating a muffin stump is like eating a popsicle stick
20 Nobody wants a muffin butt
21 Do you know the muffin man? Because we’ve got a bone to pick with him.
22 The next level of baking goes straight to the top
23 Let the top of your muffin do it’s only thing
24 We bake only the parts you love best
25 Pop the top & enjoy
26 You don’t know it yet, but your muffins are about to become 50% better
27 In the muffin kingdom, the top rules all
28 100% muffin-y goodness (0% filler)
29 Meet the  upper crust of the muffin
30 How to get 50% of a better muffin
31 Tight jeans gave them a bad wrap but they’re still delicious
32 There are two sides to every muffin—and this is the good one
33 If you’ve already purchased your morning pasty, don’t look. This will ruin your day.
34 Muffins so good, they might wind up making you buns big
35 Nobody loves a stump
36 Helping happy mouths get the best baked goods around
37 Every muffin has a better half—and this is it
38 The top, the muffin top, and nothing but the top
39 The perfect accompaniment to bottomless coffee is a bottomless muffin
40 A muffin with no bottom is one sweet roll
41 Muffin tops for people who deserve the highest level of baked goods
42 The muffin man lost the stumps in the divorce
43 Cuddle up with the best part of your breakfast
44 Learn to bake only the best
45 Bake the best part—not the stumps
46 For hungry folks tired of excess muffin bottom
47 Get the muffin you want, without the stump you don’t
48 When you want a muffin, you deserve the top
49 Buttless muffins for you eating enjoyment
50 Dump the stump
51 Bite into a shiny, crisp dome of deliciousness
52 A better type of muffin top than the one caused by your jeans
53 You don’t want muffin stumps—and nobody else does either
54 Break free from the pan
55 The best part of the muffin, without the stumpy sediment
56 The best part of your day is the best part of the muffin
57 Muffins, straight to the top
58 In every relationship, there’s a better half. With muffins, it’s the top.
59 I don’t care what Elaine says. These deserve an exclamation point.
60 You deserve the penthouse of the muffin
61 Who else wants a better-tasting baked good without the crumby handle
62 Muffins that follow the 80-20 rule
63 When you think about, the stump is really just there to support the top
64 The view from the top of the muffin is delicious
65 Even the dumps don’t want the stumps—we’d never dream of giving them to you.
66 All of the muffin you love, none of the muffin you don’t
67 We just changed the pastry game
68 The muffin man got a divorce. And he lost half his stuff.
69 Do you know the muffin man? We sure do.
70 The other type of muffin top you get from not going to the gym
71 When the muffin man’s marriage went kaput, he lost custody of the stumps in the split
72 Bite into your favorite part of the muffin without settling for the rest
73 Muffin but trouble
74 Everything you love about muffins, without the part you settle for.
75 The cream rises to the top—and so does the best part of the muffin
76 We’re the good kind of muffin top. Not the fat-over-jeans kind.
77 Because nobody loves a stump
78 Announcing a new muffin that’s about change your entire world
79 All the muffiny goodness, without the stumpy bottom
80 To all the bakers who want to make perfect muffins without the stumpy bottom
81 How to develop of golden top, lower-calorie, perfectly baked gold muffin top
82 Freshly baked goods, made for those with tip-top taste
83 You’ve got good taste. So why eat the bottom of the muffin that doesn’t meet your standards?
84 Pop the top & toss the stump
85 What would become of your world if a muffin suddenly redefined itself?
86 New muffin cuts calories by 50%
87 Get the muffin top without  the too-tight jeans
88 Bottomless muffins! All you can eat!
89 Up your muffin game (and lose the bottom)
90 Freshly baked. Just like you in college
91 Muffin tops for people who care about the finer things in life
92 Stop settling for the short end of the muffin
93 The difference between a good muffin and a great one, is the stump
94 You don’t eat the popsicle stick. Why would you eat the muffin stump?
95 Better than a regular muffin, but not as good as cupcake
96 Just say no to stumps
97 Even the dumps won’t take the stumps
98 The best muffins in town, from top to tail
99 Everyone loves a good muffin top in the morning
100 You’re only mad because you didn’t think of this first


Overall: Fun! This was hard to write, but looking at the list now, I’m happy with it.

Lessons: This one was worth the extra effort. It felt good to pay tribute to a great episode, but there’s not much to work with. That made it hard. And I tried to keep in line with the show’s tone where I could. I think I pulled a few good themes, considering.

  • The “Muffin Kingdom” line came from a story I found, and I could’ve gone so much deeper with that one, but it’s not my idea.
  • It was tempting to pull references from other episodes, but I wanted to keep this somewhat real. Otherwise it’d be cheating. (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
  • There’s a whole sub-story to the episode about not being able to dump the stumps anywhere, but since those wouldn’t make into a real headline, I left it alone as much as i could.
  • Such a great episode.

Time: 1:20 over 2 sessions. A little longer than average

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