Where my Seinfeld fans at?
Good ol’ Amy Lipner tossed me the idea of writing headlines for muffin tops. You remember Elaine’s million dollar idea, don’t you? A bakery that sells only the best part of the muffin. Then her friend stole the concept and was railroaded by an exclamation mark. #GrammarProblems
It’s not “Top of the muffin TO YOU!”
For those unfamiliar with the concept,
I could meme about this for days, folks. But essentially, it’s all the muffin-y goodness without the stumps
1 more:
Yadda yadda yadda, here are 100 lines about Muffin Tops (not the too-tight-jeans kind):
| 1 | Pudding skins broke the rules. Muffin tops broke the game. |
| 2 | This is how better half eats |
| 3 | All the muffin you love, none of the stump you don’t |
| 4 | So much less of a muffin, yet so much more |
| 5 | Delicious muffins now available! (Bottoms not included) |
| 6 | Top of the muffin!!! (to you) |
| 7 | Get the muffin you deserve |
| 8 | What’s your best bet for cooking the perfect muffin? The answer may be at the top. |
| 9 | How to make a muffin twice as good, half as much |
| 10 | We love bottoms just as much as the next guy—just not on our muffins |
| 11 | Yes, they’re half of muffins. But they’re the good half. |
| 12 | This muffin just had his ass handed to him |
| 13 | You’ll never even miss the stump |
| 14 | Never settle for muffins with handles again |
| 15 | Zero stumps given |
| 16 | Make your stump problem go away |
| 17 | Introducing a sleeker, more aerodynamic muffin |
| 18 | Giving happy customers all they ever really wanted |
| 19 | Eating a muffin stump is like eating a popsicle stick |
| 20 | Nobody wants a muffin butt |
| 21 | Do you know the muffin man? Because we’ve got a bone to pick with him. |
| 22 | The next level of baking goes straight to the top |
| 23 | Let the top of your muffin do it’s only thing |
| 24 | We bake only the parts you love best |
| 25 | Pop the top & enjoy |
| 26 | You don’t know it yet, but your muffins are about to become 50% better |
| 27 | In the muffin kingdom, the top rules all |
| 28 | 100% muffin-y goodness (0% filler) |
| 29 | Meet the upper crust of the muffin |
| 30 | How to get 50% of a better muffin |
| 31 | Tight jeans gave them a bad wrap but they’re still delicious |
| 32 | There are two sides to every muffin—and this is the good one |
| 33 | If you’ve already purchased your morning pasty, don’t look. This will ruin your day. |
| 34 | Muffins so good, they might wind up making you buns big |
| 35 | Nobody loves a stump |
| 36 | Helping happy mouths get the best baked goods around |
| 37 | Every muffin has a better half—and this is it |
| 38 | The top, the muffin top, and nothing but the top |
| 39 | The perfect accompaniment to bottomless coffee is a bottomless muffin |
| 40 | A muffin with no bottom is one sweet roll |
| 41 | Muffin tops for people who deserve the highest level of baked goods |
| 42 | The muffin man lost the stumps in the divorce |
| 43 | Cuddle up with the best part of your breakfast |
| 44 | Learn to bake only the best |
| 45 | Bake the best part—not the stumps |
| 46 | For hungry folks tired of excess muffin bottom |
| 47 | Get the muffin you want, without the stump you don’t |
| 48 | When you want a muffin, you deserve the top |
| 49 | Buttless muffins for you eating enjoyment |
| 50 | Dump the stump |
| 51 | Bite into a shiny, crisp dome of deliciousness |
| 52 | A better type of muffin top than the one caused by your jeans |
| 53 | You don’t want muffin stumps—and nobody else does either |
| 54 | Break free from the pan |
| 55 | The best part of the muffin, without the stumpy sediment |
| 56 | The best part of your day is the best part of the muffin |
| 57 | Muffins, straight to the top |
| 58 | In every relationship, there’s a better half. With muffins, it’s the top. |
| 59 | I don’t care what Elaine says. These deserve an exclamation point. |
| 60 | You deserve the penthouse of the muffin |
| 61 | Who else wants a better-tasting baked good without the crumby handle |
| 62 | Muffins that follow the 80-20 rule |
| 63 | When you think about, the stump is really just there to support the top |
| 64 | The view from the top of the muffin is delicious |
| 65 | Even the dumps don’t want the stumps—we’d never dream of giving them to you. |
| 66 | All of the muffin you love, none of the muffin you don’t |
| 67 | We just changed the pastry game |
| 68 | The muffin man got a divorce. And he lost half his stuff. |
| 69 | Do you know the muffin man? We sure do. |
| 70 | The other type of muffin top you get from not going to the gym |
| 71 | When the muffin man’s marriage went kaput, he lost custody of the stumps in the split |
| 72 | Bite into your favorite part of the muffin without settling for the rest |
| 73 | Muffin but trouble |
| 74 | Everything you love about muffins, without the part you settle for. |
| 75 | The cream rises to the top—and so does the best part of the muffin |
| 76 | We’re the good kind of muffin top. Not the fat-over-jeans kind. |
| 77 | Because nobody loves a stump |
| 78 | Announcing a new muffin that’s about change your entire world |
| 79 | All the muffiny goodness, without the stumpy bottom |
| 80 | To all the bakers who want to make perfect muffins without the stumpy bottom |
| 81 | How to develop of golden top, lower-calorie, perfectly baked gold muffin top |
| 82 | Freshly baked goods, made for those with tip-top taste |
| 83 | You’ve got good taste. So why eat the bottom of the muffin that doesn’t meet your standards? |
| 84 | Pop the top & toss the stump |
| 85 | What would become of your world if a muffin suddenly redefined itself? |
| 86 | New muffin cuts calories by 50% |
| 87 | Get the muffin top without the too-tight jeans |
| 88 | Bottomless muffins! All you can eat! |
| 89 | Up your muffin game (and lose the bottom) |
| 90 | Freshly baked. Just like you in college |
| 91 | Muffin tops for people who care about the finer things in life |
| 92 | Stop settling for the short end of the muffin |
| 93 | The difference between a good muffin and a great one, is the stump |
| 94 | You don’t eat the popsicle stick. Why would you eat the muffin stump? |
| 95 | Better than a regular muffin, but not as good as cupcake |
| 96 | Just say no to stumps |
| 97 | Even the dumps won’t take the stumps |
| 98 | The best muffins in town, from top to tail |
| 99 | Everyone loves a good muffin top in the morning |
| 100 | You’re only mad because you didn’t think of this first |
Overall: Fun! This was hard to write, but looking at the list now, I’m happy with it.
Lessons: This one was worth the extra effort. It felt good to pay tribute to a great episode, but there’s not much to work with. That made it hard. And I tried to keep in line with the show’s tone where I could. I think I pulled a few good themes, considering.
- The “Muffin Kingdom” line came from a story I found, and I could’ve gone so much deeper with that one, but it’s not my idea.
- It was tempting to pull references from other episodes, but I wanted to keep this somewhat real. Otherwise it’d be cheating. (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
- There’s a whole sub-story to the episode about not being able to dump the stumps anywhere, but since those wouldn’t make into a real headline, I left it alone as much as i could.
- Such a great episode.
Time: 1:20 over 2 sessions. A little longer than average
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