Where my Seinfeld fans at?

Good ol’ Amy Lipner tossed me the idea of writing headlines for muffin tops. You remember Elaine’s million dollar idea, don’t you? A bakery that sells only the best part of the muffin. Then her friend stole the concept and was railroaded by an exclamation mark. #GrammarProblems

It’s not “Top of the muffin TO YOU!”

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For those unfamiliar with the concept,

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I could meme about this for days, folks. But essentially, it’s all the muffin-y goodness without the stumps

1 more:

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Yadda yadda yadda, here are 100 lines about Muffin Tops (not the too-tight-jeans kind):


1Pudding skins broke the rules. Muffin tops broke the game.
2This is how better half eats
3All the muffin you love, none of the stump you don’t
4So much less of a muffin, yet so much more
5Delicious muffins now available! (Bottoms not included)
6Top of the muffin!!! (to you)
7Get the muffin you deserve
8What’s your best bet for cooking the perfect muffin? The answer may be at the top.
9How to make a muffin twice as good, half as much
10We love bottoms just as much as the next guy—just not on our muffins
11Yes, they’re half of muffins. But they’re the good half.
12This muffin just had his ass handed to him
13You’ll never even miss the stump
14Never settle for muffins with handles again
15Zero stumps given
16Make your stump problem go away
17Introducing a sleeker, more aerodynamic muffin
18Giving happy customers all they ever really wanted
19Eating a muffin stump is like eating a popsicle stick
20Nobody wants a muffin butt
21Do you know the muffin man? Because we’ve got a bone to pick with him.
22The next level of baking goes straight to the top
23Let the top of your muffin do it’s only thing
24We bake only the parts you love best
25Pop the top & enjoy
26You don’t know it yet, but your muffins are about to become 50% better
27In the muffin kingdom, the top rules all
28100% muffin-y goodness (0% filler)
29Meet the  upper crust of the muffin
30How to get 50% of a better muffin
31Tight jeans gave them a bad wrap but they’re still delicious
32There are two sides to every muffin—and this is the good one
33If you’ve already purchased your morning pasty, don’t look. This will ruin your day.
34Muffins so good, they might wind up making you buns big
35Nobody loves a stump
36Helping happy mouths get the best baked goods around
37Every muffin has a better half—and this is it
38The top, the muffin top, and nothing but the top
39The perfect accompaniment to bottomless coffee is a bottomless muffin
40A muffin with no bottom is one sweet roll
41Muffin tops for people who deserve the highest level of baked goods
42The muffin man lost the stumps in the divorce
43Cuddle up with the best part of your breakfast
44Learn to bake only the best
45Bake the best part—not the stumps
46For hungry folks tired of excess muffin bottom
47Get the muffin you want, without the stump you don’t
48When you want a muffin, you deserve the top
49Buttless muffins for you eating enjoyment
50Dump the stump
51Bite into a shiny, crisp dome of deliciousness
52A better type of muffin top than the one caused by your jeans
53You don’t want muffin stumps—and nobody else does either
54Break free from the pan
55The best part of the muffin, without the stumpy sediment
56The best part of your day is the best part of the muffin
57Muffins, straight to the top
58In every relationship, there’s a better half. With muffins, it’s the top.
59I don’t care what Elaine says. These deserve an exclamation point.
60You deserve the penthouse of the muffin
61Who else wants a better-tasting baked good without the crumby handle
62Muffins that follow the 80-20 rule
63When you think about, the stump is really just there to support the top
64The view from the top of the muffin is delicious
65Even the dumps don’t want the stumps—we’d never dream of giving them to you.
66All of the muffin you love, none of the muffin you don’t
67We just changed the pastry game
68The muffin man got a divorce. And he lost half his stuff.
69Do you know the muffin man? We sure do.
70The other type of muffin top you get from not going to the gym
71When the muffin man’s marriage went kaput, he lost custody of the stumps in the split
72Bite into your favorite part of the muffin without settling for the rest
73Muffin but trouble
74Everything you love about muffins, without the part you settle for.
75The cream rises to the top—and so does the best part of the muffin
76We’re the good kind of muffin top. Not the fat-over-jeans kind.
77Because nobody loves a stump
78Announcing a new muffin that’s about change your entire world
79All the muffiny goodness, without the stumpy bottom
80To all the bakers who want to make perfect muffins without the stumpy bottom
81How to develop of golden top, lower-calorie, perfectly baked gold muffin top
82Freshly baked goods, made for those with tip-top taste
83You’ve got good taste. So why eat the bottom of the muffin that doesn’t meet your standards?
84Pop the top & toss the stump
85What would become of your world if a muffin suddenly redefined itself?
86New muffin cuts calories by 50%
87Get the muffin top without  the too-tight jeans
88Bottomless muffins! All you can eat!
89Up your muffin game (and lose the bottom)
90Freshly baked. Just like you in college
91Muffin tops for people who care about the finer things in life
92Stop settling for the short end of the muffin
93The difference between a good muffin and a great one, is the stump
94You don’t eat the popsicle stick. Why would you eat the muffin stump?
95Better than a regular muffin, but not as good as cupcake
96Just say no to stumps
97Even the dumps won’t take the stumps
98The best muffins in town, from top to tail
99Everyone loves a good muffin top in the morning
100You’re only mad because you didn’t think of this first


Overall: Fun! This was hard to write, but looking at the list now, I’m happy with it.

Lessons: This one was worth the extra effort. It felt good to pay tribute to a great episode, but there’s not much to work with. That made it hard. And I tried to keep in line with the show’s tone where I could. I think I pulled a few good themes, considering.

  • The “Muffin Kingdom” line came from a story I found, and I could’ve gone so much deeper with that one, but it’s not my idea.
  • It was tempting to pull references from other episodes, but I wanted to keep this somewhat real. Otherwise it’d be cheating. (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
  • There’s a whole sub-story to the episode about not being able to dump the stumps anywhere, but since those wouldn’t make into a real headline, I left it alone as much as i could.
  • Such a great episode.

Time: 1:20 over 2 sessions. A little longer than average

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