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Let’s try something new today, shall we?

*Walks away from desk*

*Opens door to the garage*

*Rummages through recycling bin*

*Comes back to desk*

In my hand, I’m holding a direct mail piece from a local dentist. It’s pretty generic and focuses on a special dental implant surgery, for which they’re holding a “sold out” webinar. Picture a tooth with a wood screw for roots. That’s what I’m looking at.

*Checks website*

Nothing about a webinar here. Instead, I’m greeted with a customer testimonial video (good) and photos how they offer paraffin wax hand therapy, warm cookies, and back massages! At a dentist office. And it’s all kinds of awesome. My dentist doesn’t do that.

So instead, I’m going to write 100 headlines about this.

(Stay tuned, folks. There’s a twist at the end. And it’s the reason I’m not showing you the site or flyer.)

1 We treat our dental patients like guests
2 Wonderful dentists who treat patients like people
3 For picky patients who want a little comfort with their cleaning
4 Voted top dentist in the area 9 years in a row
5 We take care of more than just your mouth
6 When’s the last time you left the dentist relaxed?
7 We restore your smile
8 Professional dentistry with on-site spa services
9 Fixing smiles, 32 teeth at a time
10 Like going to a masseuse who’s also a trained dentist
11 Our mission to ensure you have the best dental experience ever
12 We treat you like royalty while you get your crowns
13 Stress-free dental work
14 How many other dentists offer a warm neck pillow during cleanings?
15 We know nobody likes going to the dentist–and we’re trying to change that
16 Our patients actually look forward to their next appointment
17 Embarrassed about your smile? We can fix that.
18 The dental office with a massage therapist on-site
19 It’s not an appointment. It’s an experience
20 The dental spa for teeth & relaxation
21 Been a while since your last dental visit? We’re just happy you’re here.
22 Nobody likes going to a dentist, but a free massage makes it better
23 We take care of more than just your teeth
24 The cool and tranquil dental office
25 You’ve just found your forever dentist
26 For families who value hygiene as well as customer service
27 Ever had a massage at the dentist before?
28 The dentist for people who hate dentists
29 Your teeth will look as perfect as you feel
30 When’s the last time you looked forward to going to the dentist?
31 What other dentist offers warm towels during your treatment?
32 Change your view of dentists
33 We take care of all 32 teeth, and the entire person around them
34 The family dentist who takes care of more than just your teeth
35 You’re our guest, not our patient
36 Have you ever left your dentist feeling relaxed?
37 Has your dentist ever made you feel exceptional?
38 Our amentias will have you wondering if you just walked into a spa
39 The fully immersive dental experience
40 This will be your mouth’s crowning achievement
41 Going to the dentist isn’t so bad when you get a massage and music
42 A free massage means you’ll actually look forward to your next dentist appointment
43 When your dentist offers massages, you’ll want to go more than twice a year
44 You’ll leave the dentist feeling more relaxed than when you came
45 The dentist office that feels like a spa
46 You’ve finally found the dentist you can brag about
47 We don’t recommend getting a cleaning from a masseuse, but a massage at your dentist’s office can be an unexpected treat
48 Dental service that treats you like you deserve
49 The root canal specialist you’ll be rooting for
50 Root canals are better when they come with a free massage
51 You’ll leave feeling as amazing our your teeth look
52 We’re not just wonderful dentists–we work in a wonderful place
53 If you’ve never heard of a dentist office with a masseuse, it’s because we’re the only one
54 Would you describe your dentist as “gentle?”
55 The dental service with perks
56 Helping people relax at the dentist, one cleaning at a time
57 Nobody forgets a great smile
58 The dentist that gives you something to smile about
59 The dentist office you can’t wait to visit
60 The dental spa for whole body wellness
61 It’s ok to lie to us about your flossing habits. We’ll still love you all the same.
62 The next time your dentist offers a massage, say yes
63 If your dentist’s office doesn’t make you feel at home, you’re at the wrong dentist
64 We don’t just care about your teeth; we care about you
65 Does your dentist offer you warm cookies?
66 We don’t just treat your mouth. We treat you.
67 The dental cleaning that soothes your entire body
68 The dentist for people afraid of dentists
69 We don’t offer appointments. We offer experiences
70 We pride ourselves on customer service (and dental work)
71 You’ll leave our office smiling
72 Revitalize your teeth, your body and your mind
73 The only thing cleaner than our office will be your teeth
74 How often does your dentist get a 5-star review for root canals?
75 When you’ve got something to smile about, going to the dentist is easier
76 The most comfortable trip to the dentist you’ve ever experienced
77 Finally, a dentist office you can relax in
78 Full body dental care–offering hand massages while you wait
79 Ever get a cleaning from a massage chair before?
80 Does your dentist have a massage therapist on site?
81 The dentist that’s different from other dentists
82 We care about your comfort as much as we care about your teeth
83 When’s the last time you bragged about your current dentist?
84 The dentist office that takes care of you
85 Relax. You’re going to love this visit.
86 Get your teeth cleaned, and a massage
87 You won’t mind going to the dentist anymore
88 The dentist you’ll want to visit more than every 6 months
89 The dentist that takes care of your entire well being
90 If you don’t look forward to your cleanings, you’re going to the wrong dentist
91 Your smile will be welcomed by ours
92 When you’re wearing our crowns, you’ll feel like royalty
93 Some dentists give you a free toothbrush. We give you massages & personal attention
94 We treat you better than other dentists
95 Cleaner teeth for happy mouths
96 The dental office with a transcendent atmosphere
97 You’ll leave feeling like you walked out of the spa
98 The dentist office that prides itself on customer service
99 We give you a reason to smile
100 Everything you know about the dentist is about to change

 

Overall: A little generic. They’re more in-tune with the website and they’d be a better message match fo’ sho. But this is far from being direct mail gold.  I’d be up for testing a few of these though. And I want to give direct mail another shot. So stay tuned…

Lessons: Here’s the twist I mentioned. Upon reading the reviews, this place is sketchy AF. I can’t be sure, but there are enough comments to make me believe they prey on immigrants and uninsured. And I’m not going to link you to people like that.

This was the first time I ever turned on a project. As soon as it became clear these may not be good people, I didn’t want to finish the list. It felt dirty—and I’d never work with anyone like this. The last 20 or so lines were straight from the template because I was d-o-n-e with this guy.

But I guess that’s what you should expect from a dentist that offers back massages.

*shudder*

Time: 1:10 hour over 2 sessions.

We’re 2/3 done! Woohoo!  There’ll be some good learnings on the next recap. Sign up below to get it.