Image result for 5-hour energy logo

I used to work for 5-hour Energy. Red Bull too. Very similar products but entirely different brands. I’ve got lots of great stories about both.

It’s been a few years since I played in this sandbox, so today I decided to revisit an old friend. Warning: It’s been a long day, and in a strange twist of fate, I could really use one of these right now.

Here are 101 lines about 5-hour Energy:

1 Where will you be when tired hits?
2 Making your mornings better, 2 ounces at a time
3 Your everyday pick-me-up
4 Stops your internal clock from crashing
5 The bad taste is how it wakes up your tongue
6 Kick jetlag into a whole different continent
7 Your secret weapon for getting into the zone
8 Your daily motivation now comes in a 2-ounce bottle
9 For those who outgrow Red Bull
10 Pull your energy out the red, without any bull
11 Your demanding job suddenly seems less-demanding
12 Not a morning person? You are now.
13 Sometimes coffee just isn’t enough
14 Energized bodies perform better
15 Sometimes you don’t have enough time to be tired
16 Put a little extra pep in your step
17 All the power of an energy drink without the stigma
18 Recharge your battery
19 The energy shot for adults
20 The clean burning fuel for your body
21 Bye bye post-lunch food coma
22 Make long meetings feel shorter
23 Rev your own engine
24 And you thought coffee made your day better
25 Make your afternoons more productive
26 Now you can keep up with your kids
27 Fun-sized bottles. Big-sized energy.
28 Keep your eyes on the road, longer
29 Helping tired people get more done
30 It doesn’t make you cool. It just makes you better.
31 Make tired for other people
32 Less fluid means fewer pit stops on road trips
33 Tired? Not you.
34 Get your entire workday done 3 hours early
35 Get more out of your weekends
36 All the energy you need, with fewer crashes than your computer
37 Get your day started without the coffee breath
38 Life is better when you’re awake
39 Red Bull for old people
40 Everything you need to make your brain faster
41 Ain’t nobody got time for tired
42 The little bottle that packs a big punch
43 The afternoon pick me up you can keep in your pocket
44 The energy shot you don’t need to be cool to buy
45 For afternoons with more energy
46 Relax. There’s enough energy for everyone
47 Just the kick you’re looking for
48 The healthy way to keep moving
49 The “whoohooo!” maker
50 Make yourself a morning person. Or an afternoon & evening person.
51 Portable power for your whole body
52 Give yourself the energy of a toddler
53 The caffeine you can drink at any temperature
54 Coffee 2.0
55 Put your body on high alert
56 8-hours of sleep now comes in a bottle
57 Next time you hit the wall, you’ll plow right through it
58 Helps make your to-do list done
59 You’ll be able to hear yourself blink
60 For anyone who wants more time at peak performance
61 Wires you exactly the right way
62 Stay alert on the road–and have fewer pit stops along the way
63 Sleep is overrated
64 0-60 in under 2 ounces
65 Tired of falling asleep at your desk?
66 Your energy drink, grown up
67 Like new sparkplugs for your energy level
68 Discreet energy for on-the-sly sipping
69 Sometimes, you just need more caffeine
70 When your friends want to hit the midnight release of a movie premier
71 There’s a reason we sell over 1 million bottles every day
72 Power through the daily grind
73 All the energy without the sugar
74 5 better hours in just 2 ounces
75 Red Bull’s older, smarter, not-as-cool cousin
76 All the benefits of coffee, and then some
77 Kick your body into a higher gear
78 Never sleep again
79 Because 8-hours of sleep isn’t always an option
80 Works great. Tastes gross.
81 The quicker picker upper
82 Because you need a pick-me-up that doesn’t make you want to skateboard
83 It’s go time
84 The “I don’t drink coffee or energy drinks” alternative
85 Keep your pump throughout the day
86 Pop open in your golf bag and stay focused on the back 9
87 Tired of feeling like a wiped-out zombie?
88 Bring the whole world into focus
89 For when the boss schedules a 2-hour meeting right after lunch
90 They keep you functioning when you can’t even
91 Your portable power source
92 Clear the cobwebs out of your head, fast
93 Stay awake, even when you’re in snoozeville
94 They kick your mind & body into gear
95 Like coffee, but better (and no bad breath)
96 Works like a charm
97 Your new study buddy for late night cram sessions
98 Bye bye tired
99 Lightning in a bottle
100 Your best bet for a better day
101 Gives you the energy of a wound-up toddler

 

Overall, OK, but these are lacking a punch. Honestly, it’s been a long day and feel like I half-assed this list. I’m tired. Fell asleep while writing it. No joke. Very ironic.

Lessons: Don’t write tired. Especially about energy products

Let’s put this on the “try again later” list. I can do better. This is a little generic. Even so, there are a few decent lines here.

Time: 1 hour, split by an unscheduled nap