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Back in Savannah, I had a friend with a plan. And that plan was Timeshare Monkeys.

He was convinced he could make money from this. To his defense, he never said this when he was sober and he never went through with it. Because it’s a terrible idea. But so much fun to think about.

Continuing the adoption theme of the last 2 posts and building off stars & owls, today we write about monkeys.

Imagine my shock when I found there was a site already established about this. Much to my pleasure, it’s a fake site that tells you every reason you should never try it.  So kudos to these guys.

Don’t get a monkey, folks.

Here are 102 lines about Timeshare Monkeys:

1 The try-before-you-buy introduction to monkey life
2 Helping curious monkey lovers find the life
3 Nothing says “I love you” like sharing a monkey with someone
4 Get yourself a big yellow hat, and satisfy your curiousity, George
5 Quit monkeying around, and start monkeying around
6 Turn your apartment into a safari
7 Time to be a monkey’s uncle
8 The fastest way to get poop on your walls
9 There are cat people. There are dog people. But you’re a Monkey Person
10 Nothing warms your heart faster than a pet monkey
11 Make any day a monkey day
12 If you think dogs helped you get girls, wait until you bring your monkey outside
13 Now you can be like Ross from “Friends”
14 Just like owning a monkey, buy only for a little while
15 You’ll love your rhesus to pieces
16 Kids go bananas for our monkeys
17 Try the monkey experience
18 Live the monkey life
19 Got a few extra bananas lying around?
20 Your source for exotic monkey rentals
21 Get a monkey you can trade in every year
22 We see no evil in your plan
23 Have you been monkeying around with adoption ideas?
24 Smarter than a dog, and cuter than most babies
25 Meet your new fur-baby
26 You’ve seen them in the zoo. Now bring one home for the weekend
27 Now you won’t be the one with the fuzziest back
28 Get the part-time pet you’ve always dreamed about
29 Yes more monkey business
30 Monkeys light up your life (but tear apart your living space)
31 Make your home more fun than a barrel of monkeys
32 See if ape life is right for you
33 Hey kids! Wanna touch my monkey?
34 Own a monkey, but only when you want one
35 No gift can touch the magic of a monkey
36 The best way to alienate your neighbors
37 For men who make bad decisions
38 The monkey you’ll always love, but only be responsible for part-time
39 The best way to get your kids to stop asking for a monkey, is to give them one
40 Yes, they throw poop. But they’re still so darn cute
41 Ever want a monkey?
42 Be the first person on your block to domesticate a primate!
43 Discover the thrill of part-time monkey ownership
44 The monkey friend with benefits (of sharing)
45 Like having a hairy little human around (that bites)
46 It’s dangerous in the jungle. Bring a monkey inside
47 One monkey is more fun than a barrel full
48 Imagine how much fun a whole barrel would be!
49 Get that monkey off your back–and into your apartment!
50 The most fun you can have losing the security deposit on your apartment
51 For when you want a monkey, but only for a while
52 You’ll go ape over our monkey rentals!
53 Monkeys make the best cuddlers
54 Pass around the monkey love
55 Love animals? Love kids? Then a primate may be for you!
56 Have cuppucino with a capuchin
57 Thinking you might want to own a monkey? Try us first!
58 Stop monkeying around, and have a monkey around
59 Make your home a monkey sanctuary
60 They say you shouldn’t own a monkey. But you’ve never been one for rules.
61 We’re serious about our monkey business
62 Ever wish you could get through all the bananas before they turn bad?
63 When you love someone, you share a monkey
64 Because you living in a zoo is a silly idea
65 Renting a monkey is better than owning
66 Monkey up
67 The “want to pet my monkey” pick-up line you’ve been waiting for?
68 All the feels, and banana peels
69 Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?
70 The best part-time pet you can think of
71 Now you’ll have one swingin’ bachelor pad
72 Monkey see, monkey do, monkey living at home with you
73 Who says it’s bad to have a monkey on your back
74 Turn your home into a circus–one week at a time
75 Just because you shouldn’t rent a monkey, doesn’t mean you can’t.
76 For people who want a monkey, but also like to vacation
77 Live the good life of monkey ownership
78 You always said you’ll be a monkey’s uncle
79 Make a monkey of yourself
80 Need a monkey, but only for a little while?
81 Get a monkey without the paperwork
82 Life is better when a monkey is around
83 Like having partial custody of a child. But with a monkey.
84 A pimp for your chimp
85 Everyone wants a monkey sometimes
86 Haven’t you always wanted to throw a monkey party?
87 Start with a  base monkey, and upgrade as you go
88 Just because primates aren’t domesticated, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try
89 Ever been jealous of the man in the yellow hat?
90 Own a monkey for just the right amount of time
91 Every monkey deserves a good home
92 The wallet-friendly monkey rental program
93 Become a part-time monkey mom today!
94 Take monkeying around to a whole new level
95 It’s like playing Jumanji!
96 Share a monkey with your friends!
97 Now you can be the cool parent on the block
98 Get the monkey off your back and into your home
99 Now you know what to do with all those little vests you bought
100 Monkey see, monkey you
101 Meet your new best friend
102 Why get a full-time dog when you can get a timeshare monkey?

 

Overall: Too silly to judge. This was fun, but it took a little while to get going. I kept thinking about the social responsibility angle. But I trust you know me enough by now to understand I do not convey renting a monkey.

Lessons:

  • I used memes again today. They helped with a few of the wonderfully awful puns you see. They’re terrible and I love them most of all.
  • It got a little snarky at times, but that’s OK
  • I thought this would be easier than it was. Not just the responsible angle, but overall…
  • Once I had a good base going of about 40 lines, things moved a little easier
  • I wound up on Reddit for the first time. That’s a bad place to be if you want to get something done.

Time: 1 session of just over an hour.

If you’re wondering why some of the last few have been 1 session (which is pretty draining), it’s because life gets in the way and I have to do some real work that pays me.

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