Back in Savannah, I had a friend with a plan. And that plan was Timeshare Monkeys.
He was convinced he could make money from this. To his defense, he never said this when he was sober and he never went through with it. Because it’s a terrible idea. But so much fun to think about.
Continuing the adoption theme of the last 2 posts and building off stars & owls, today we write about monkeys.
Imagine my shock when I found there was a site already established about this. Much to my pleasure, it’s a fake site that tells you every reason you should never try it. So kudos to these guys.
Don’t get a monkey, folks.
Here are 102 lines about Timeshare Monkeys:
| 1 | The try-before-you-buy introduction to monkey life |
| 2 | Helping curious monkey lovers find the life |
| 3 | Nothing says “I love you” like sharing a monkey with someone |
| 4 | Get yourself a big yellow hat, and satisfy your curiousity, George |
| 5 | Quit monkeying around, and start monkeying around |
| 6 | Turn your apartment into a safari |
| 7 | Time to be a monkey’s uncle |
| 8 | The fastest way to get poop on your walls |
| 9 | There are cat people. There are dog people. But you’re a Monkey Person |
| 10 | Nothing warms your heart faster than a pet monkey |
| 11 | Make any day a monkey day |
| 12 | If you think dogs helped you get girls, wait until you bring your monkey outside |
| 13 | Now you can be like Ross from “Friends” |
| 14 | Just like owning a monkey, buy only for a little while |
| 15 | You’ll love your rhesus to pieces |
| 16 | Kids go bananas for our monkeys |
| 17 | Try the monkey experience |
| 18 | Live the monkey life |
| 19 | Got a few extra bananas lying around? |
| 20 | Your source for exotic monkey rentals |
| 21 | Get a monkey you can trade in every year |
| 22 | We see no evil in your plan |
| 23 | Have you been monkeying around with adoption ideas? |
| 24 | Smarter than a dog, and cuter than most babies |
| 25 | Meet your new fur-baby |
| 26 | You’ve seen them in the zoo. Now bring one home for the weekend |
| 27 | Now you won’t be the one with the fuzziest back |
| 28 | Get the part-time pet you’ve always dreamed about |
| 29 | Yes more monkey business |
| 30 | Monkeys light up your life (but tear apart your living space) |
| 31 | Make your home more fun than a barrel of monkeys |
| 32 | See if ape life is right for you |
| 33 | Hey kids! Wanna touch my monkey? |
| 34 | Own a monkey, but only when you want one |
| 35 | No gift can touch the magic of a monkey |
| 36 | The best way to alienate your neighbors |
| 37 | For men who make bad decisions |
| 38 | The monkey you’ll always love, but only be responsible for part-time |
| 39 | The best way to get your kids to stop asking for a monkey, is to give them one |
| 40 | Yes, they throw poop. But they’re still so darn cute |
| 41 | Ever want a monkey? |
| 42 | Be the first person on your block to domesticate a primate! |
| 43 | Discover the thrill of part-time monkey ownership |
| 44 | The monkey friend with benefits (of sharing) |
| 45 | Like having a hairy little human around (that bites) |
| 46 | It’s dangerous in the jungle. Bring a monkey inside |
| 47 | One monkey is more fun than a barrel full |
| 48 | Imagine how much fun a whole barrel would be! |
| 49 | Get that monkey off your back–and into your apartment! |
| 50 | The most fun you can have losing the security deposit on your apartment |
| 51 | For when you want a monkey, but only for a while |
| 52 | You’ll go ape over our monkey rentals! |
| 53 | Monkeys make the best cuddlers |
| 54 | Pass around the monkey love |
| 55 | Love animals? Love kids? Then a primate may be for you! |
| 56 | Have cuppucino with a capuchin |
| 57 | Thinking you might want to own a monkey? Try us first! |
| 58 | Stop monkeying around, and have a monkey around |
| 59 | Make your home a monkey sanctuary |
| 60 | They say you shouldn’t own a monkey. But you’ve never been one for rules. |
| 61 | We’re serious about our monkey business |
| 62 | Ever wish you could get through all the bananas before they turn bad? |
| 63 | When you love someone, you share a monkey |
| 64 | Because you living in a zoo is a silly idea |
| 65 | Renting a monkey is better than owning |
| 66 | Monkey up |
| 67 | The “want to pet my monkey” pick-up line you’ve been waiting for? |
| 68 | All the feels, and banana peels |
| 69 | Haven’t you always wanted a monkey? |
| 70 | The best part-time pet you can think of |
| 71 | Now you’ll have one swingin’ bachelor pad |
| 72 | Monkey see, monkey do, monkey living at home with you |
| 73 | Who says it’s bad to have a monkey on your back |
| 74 | Turn your home into a circus–one week at a time |
| 75 | Just because you shouldn’t rent a monkey, doesn’t mean you can’t. |
| 76 | For people who want a monkey, but also like to vacation |
| 77 | Live the good life of monkey ownership |
| 78 | You always said you’ll be a monkey’s uncle |
| 79 | Make a monkey of yourself |
| 80 | Need a monkey, but only for a little while? |
| 81 | Get a monkey without the paperwork |
| 82 | Life is better when a monkey is around |
| 83 | Like having partial custody of a child. But with a monkey. |
| 84 | A pimp for your chimp |
| 85 | Everyone wants a monkey sometimes |
| 86 | Haven’t you always wanted to throw a monkey party? |
| 87 | Start with a base monkey, and upgrade as you go |
| 88 | Just because primates aren’t domesticated, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try |
| 89 | Ever been jealous of the man in the yellow hat? |
| 90 | Own a monkey for just the right amount of time |
| 91 | Every monkey deserves a good home |
| 92 | The wallet-friendly monkey rental program |
| 93 | Become a part-time monkey mom today! |
| 94 | Take monkeying around to a whole new level |
| 95 | It’s like playing Jumanji! |
| 96 | Share a monkey with your friends! |
| 97 | Now you can be the cool parent on the block |
| 98 | Get the monkey off your back and into your home |
| 99 | Now you know what to do with all those little vests you bought |
| 100 | Monkey see, monkey you |
| 101 | Meet your new best friend |
| 102 | Why get a full-time dog when you can get a timeshare monkey? |
Overall: Too silly to judge. This was fun, but it took a little while to get going. I kept thinking about the social responsibility angle. But I trust you know me enough by now to understand I do not convey renting a monkey.
Lessons:
- I used memes again today. They helped with a few of the wonderfully awful puns you see. They’re terrible and I love them most of all.
- It got a little snarky at times, but that’s OK
- I thought this would be easier than it was. Not just the responsible angle, but overall…
- Once I had a good base going of about 40 lines, things moved a little easier
- I wound up on Reddit for the first time. That’s a bad place to be if you want to get something done.
Time: 1 session of just over an hour.
If you’re wondering why some of the last few have been 1 session (which is pretty draining), it’s because life gets in the way and I have to do some real work that pays me.
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